I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Randomize
