And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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