i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
