Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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