I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
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