Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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