tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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