I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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