There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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