left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
