Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I feel like abortions should bother me more
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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