I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
