Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She's the barista slut.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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