Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
