i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
