My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
