I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
