Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
