I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize
