she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
We got so high we made milksteak
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
