Ambien. No doubt about it.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
