She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
