just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
