I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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