i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
