textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
