"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm bleeding and have questions
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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