My liver just broke up with me...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
