mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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