I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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