just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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