I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
