i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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