So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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