NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
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