nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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