Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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