STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Randomize
