apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Randomize
