So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
