I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
