Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
