She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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