so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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