so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
