I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
