It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
