When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
