best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
