You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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