Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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